I'm surrendering my desire to God

First of all I wanna say that I don't feel very well :-(( I think I'm coming down with something. But! I just graduated from MBI so I feel great!!!


Now back to the point. Remember my very first blog post titled Stop? It was about me needing to stop looking for men and relationships to heal the wounds in my soul. Here's an excerpt:


Stopping is exactly what I'll be doing. My life has been filled with either unhealthy relationships or me liking douchebags who play with my emotions and could care less about me. And now I've come to the breaking point and I realize that I just need to stop. Ever since I hit puberty I've been searching for a man who would treat me better than my father.
And my quest consumed me. I realized that it was all too much when I got hurt just one last time. It was the last straw. Finding love became an idol for me so it had to be destroyed.

I've come to terms with the fact that my last name might just stay the same forever. I may never get a chance to marry a man who affirms me, loves me, treats me better than my dad did. And that's okay.

Ok so obviously I didn't get the point the first time because every single potential "boo" as I like to say hasn't worked out. And what I'm realizing is that I figured out what I was doing: my search for a man became an idol. But I didn't know just to what extent this idolizing went.


I thought that if I de-prioritized men and just lived my life then that's all I needed to do. It wouldn't be an idol anymore. But after experiencing disappointment after disappointment I realized I needed to some more self-examination because God keeps closing these doors and I need to figure out why.


I learned in one of my classes that people have deep longings that only God can fulfill. Even in the best marriages people will still have longings that only God can fulfill. That was a eureka moment for me. Now I realize that marriage was still an idol for me. I thought that a life partner would fulfill the longings I have. And they may be able to fulfill them to some extent, but not as full and as complete as God can. Now I really have to do some more soul searching. I have much better and healthier expectations now than I did before. But I definitely need to stay single for a while so that I really know in my heart (not just my head) that only God can fulfill my deepest longings; not a man, not a marriage.


This learning process has been very difficult because I still desire to be married (and that's okay), but I need to put that desire into perspective. So I am surrendering this desire to God. I'm giving it to Him because I obviously don't know what to do with it. I'm trusting that I will learn what he has to teach me and learn to fully rely on Him to fulfill my deepest longings that no one else can fulfill.