Weary

I'm an olive colored American of African, Native, and European descent (gotta love colonization I'm like a true American lol) who grew up on the south side of Chicago in an African American neighborhood. I grew up in a Christian home. My father was on the legalist side, my mom was cool. She was about loving people, not changing them. (We love people the way they are. It's God's job to change them.) When I came to Moody Bible Institute it was different. It's a totally different culture. There are many white people here who came from under whatever rock they lived under to the city of Chicago to learn more about God.

Anyway let me just tell you what happened. Once a week MBI students have to go to something called a PCM (Practical Christian Ministry). A PCM is any kind of ministry outside of school like volunteering at a homeless shelter, playing the piano at an old folks home, or helping kids with their homework. Well I work at an after school program with kids. There's a group of 6 of us who all drive up there. Well on the way I want to have fun and laugh with my friends and joke about things in the car. We joke about Moody life, tv, movies, whatever.

Well I noticed that one girl was kind of quiet and looked mad all the time before and after PCM. So I asked her what was up. Basically she was annoyed and offended at our conversations in the car. She said we made jokes about homosexuality, sex outside of marriage, and sexual abuse. And that we were acting like the world instead of like Christ.

Well, first of all I would never make fun of sexual abuse. I'm a victim of sexual abuse myself. But maybe she took one of our jokes out of context or misunderstood somehow. I also don't remember making jokes about sex outside of marriage. We did joke about the movie Knocked Up. Maybe that's what she's talking about. All I know is that movie was funny. And as far as jokes about homosexuality. We were just noting the gay tendencies we usually see from men on campus. It's kind of strange to see some of these things (especially coming from a different culture). Also sometimes things are easier to deal with if we can laugh at them.

All this to say that I know life is filled with people who are going to disagree with you or judge you without knowing the whole story. But I'm soo sick of it at this school. I feel like I need to be white and sheltered in order to be accepted. Now every time I laugh at something in the back of my mind I'm going to wonder if someone is judging me for laughing at what I'm laughing at. I'm tired. But until I graduate in December (YAY!) I'll have to deal with it and just keep in mind and be sensitive to those who grew up under rocks.

Acceptance

I'm learning to accept the things in life that ar painful, but won't change. I'm learning the true meaning of "it is what it is." I have gone from depressed (repressed anger) to angry. It's good that it isn't being repressed anymore. But I have seen what I can become when I let anger control me and I never want to see myself that way again.

I have a strong desire for justice. But I'm learning that I'm not always going to see justice (or see it the way I think it should be played out). And I can't always be angry about that. Ultimately I'm not the one in control of justice. God is. Vengence is the Lord's. So I have to accept the situation God has placed me in and be patient and longsuffering. The way I've been doing things isn't working so I need to change. I need to accept things the way they are and learn from them instead of being angry that things aren't changing and aren't the way I want them to be.

This is actually freeing. I don't feel bound to anger. I don't feel bound to a responsibility to change things that aren't right. I feel like now I'm really allowing God to be in control. By his grace I'll continue to learn how to do this.

Epiphany

Ok I know I talk about dreams a lot. But I truly believe dreams are the language of the soul so...I'm gonna talk about them.

I've been having lots of dreams about me protecting babies. I have recurring dreams of me either saving them from danger or holding on to them so that they don't get hurt by whatever threat there is. So I looked up what it meant and it said:

Dreaming that you are protecting someone, suggests that you are putting up an emotional wall or barrier between you and others around you. Consider who or what you are protecting for clues as to what aspect of your own self you are afraid of letting out and letting others know.

Wow. I'm protecting myself from others seeing the baby inside me. I think that we all have babies within that are crying for needs that were never met when we were children. So now that we're older we may attachment issues, anxiety, or whatever as a result of not having needs met. Our issues are how we learned to cope with not having certain needs met. Deep down inside theres that baby that I don't want anyone to see because if they see it they'll know something very personal; a part of my soul.


When I was a kid I needed to be encouraged, praised, treasured. I needed to know that I could go to my mother for comfort. I didn't have those things. There's still my internal child that cries out for that stuff. But I don't want anyone to know that about me. Man...so interesting.  

I'm Surrounded by Idiots

I'm not really surrounded by idiots (well sometimes). But don't we all have those days? Today everyone and everything infuriated me, irritated me to the core. I don't know why but when I woke up this morning I really didn't wanna go to school. This is my last semester and I can tell that it's really time for me to go. It's time. People have really been pissin me off lately. America's been pissin me off too. I wanna move to a different country. Even some of the friends I have at school right now I kind of don't want to see ever again after I graduate. It's time for me to move on. I'm sick of dis ish! Lol. I don't want to write another paper. Nothing. I'm afraid that I might cuss someone out before the semester's over. I'm at the boiling point. *sigh* I wish everyone would STFU and GTFO.