Thank the Lord

I believe that I have figured out the source of all those health problems. Thank you to everyone who was praying for me! Especially my Sunshine girls Brittany and Jackie! Your prayers availed!

Here is a list of what my problems were:
frequent and chronic infections
joint/muscle pain, weakness and stiffness
hair loss
fatigue

I went to the doctor the other day to get things figured out. They prescribed me an anti-infective, but they didn't know why I was losing my hair. She asked me if I had been stressed out lately. I said no because I wasn't really. I'm out of school and don't have many demands on my life. Then I went home and remembered. I had the infections for a while, but the other symptoms didn't start until the middle of my last semester at MBI. The last semester was very stressful. And not only was there stress at school, but there was stress at home. So I was kind of bathing in stress for a while.

Now let's go back to my original condition: late-onset congenital adrenal hyperplasia (LOCAH). This condition is a disorder in my adrenal glands. My adrenal glands don't produce enough cortisol. Cortisol is also called the stress hormone. In someone normal, more of this hormone is released when the body is going through stress so that you can adapt/handle it properly.

This is when it hit me. I stopped taking steroids (which contains cortisol) because of the nasty side- effects. So I was going through all this stress with no physiological way to handle it all. My body wasn't producing enough cortisol for all of the stress I was going through so my body went haywire.

I googled my symptoms and found that the term for this is adrenal insufficiency which is not as sever as an adrenal crisis (which can be fatal), but can cause lowered immune system (frequent infections), fatigue, hair loss, and muscle/joint problems. Here is a link to an informative web site
http://www.thehealthierlife.co.uk/natural-health-articles/hormonal-disorders/adrenal-insufficiency-00160.html

Man was I relieved to figure this out. I've been taking some of my emergency steroids and my hair has stopped falling out. I may have to get back on steroids. I really don't want to do that so maybe there is a way that I can maintain myself on either a lower dose or just occasional doses when I am sick or stressed out.

I feel like there's a bag of bricks on my chest *health update*

Okay so some people know that I already have a condition called adrenal hyperplasia (LOCAH). This condition messes with my hormone levels (which can cause hair loss/thinning). I was hoping this was the case so I called my endocrinologist to check my levels. The hormone that was higher than normal was only a tad bit higher and shouldn't really cause any problems. This was a huge disappointment. If it was my hormones all it would mean is a tweak in medication. This means the hair loss is caused by another underlying issue. I couldn't get in to see the Infectious Disease doctor so he told me to try a dermatologist. I called and can't afford the doctor bill. I am officially screwed. I don't really know what to do, but ask for a miracle at this point. I'm really scared.

There's Always Something

If it wasn't one thing it'd be something else. I have been struggling with health issues for over a year. It's highly frustrating because I don't have health insurance. I HAD charity care but that only went so far and I can't figure out what in the world is wrong with me. In October I began to feel all over pain in my muscles and joints. I went to a rheumatologist, but test results came back normal. And now I'm experiencing hair loss. This is extremely frustrating because I no longer have the resources or means to figure out why this is happening. Another thing that makes it frustrating is my mother. She thinks I'm a hypochondriac so when I go to her for some kind of comfort (bc my freakin hair is fallin out and I'm scared I'll lose it all) she just brushes it off. Can a sister be heard, understood, and validated for once?

*Sigh* Once again I have no one but God to fall back on. It's been like this since I was a child, but I know that I'll be better for it. It's just hard learning these lessons. I know that when I'm in those lonely, hopeless places and I really think I need another human to validate me that's when God will meet me. He does every time. Meets me right where I need him.

So prayer is needed for healing. My prayer is that I'll not only be healed in body, but also that this situation would be used to heal something in my soul. This reminds me of a quote by Brother Lawrence, "The Lord often sends diseases to the body in order to cure the disease of the soul." This quote was actually the inspiration for the title of my blog because uses, not only sickness, but all kinds of painful things to make us better. This is the only knowledge that is helping me bear this pain more easily. 

Avarice

Avarice- insatiable greed for riches; inordinate, miserly desire to gain and hoard wealth

              excessive or insatiable desire or greed

I've been struggling with this. I've been trying to figure out why in the world I have this insatiable need to buy things. Someone told me I'm trying to fill a void. But what is the void? I did come to realize that when I buy certain things or when I find myself overcome with an excessive desire to buy something I think of myself. I think of myself with this new thing, but I'm not just lil ol' me. I'm the me I fantasize being. The stylish, hip, me who shows off her creativity to the world by wearing interesting clothes, bright nail polish, and funky eye shadow. *Sigh* the void I'm trying to fill is my identity. I haven't yet gotten it that my identity is in Christ. While it's great to want to show my individuality I have to remember who it is I'm showing off to. I want to show off to men. And who is man? Why do I seek the praise of men? 

So for some reason I feel like buying things will make me who I really am. That is a lie. The question is why do I think there is something wrong with who I am already? That makes me sad. 


When I have the urge to buy something new I buy it and I am happy for a few moments and then that happiness fades and the thing I bought isn't good enough anymore and I'll want to go out and buy something else. Now I'm realized that it's not the things that I'm not satisfied with, I'm really not satisfied with myself which ultimately means I'm not satisfied with Christ. How sad. 


I've been learning lately to base everything of who I am in faith on God and no one else. The things that I relied on people to do were things that I didn't trust God with. The question of me not being good enough is another issue that I'm not trusting God with. I'll have to pray against this. I'm open and willing for God to change me because I cannot change myself.

Staircase...to Heaven??

First of all. Happy Christmas Everyone!!! Praise God for sending his Son to earth to suffer the penalty of sin that we should suffer so that we would have a chance at eternal life with Him!

I often dream of staircases and being afraid to go up them. Last night the staircase was wobbly and would change position every so often. It was kind of like Inception actually lol (remember when he changed the staircase?). So I was deathly afraid of going up this staircase, but it was necessary to get where I wanted to go. I asked a friend (someone I trusted and knew would help me and protect me) to go with me up the stairs and of course it kept changing position. I was afraid of falling to my death, but I got up there where I needed to be.

I looked up what staircases meant:

"Seeing a staircase in your dream, symbolizes change and transformation."

And stairs:

"Dreaming that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface."

Higher understanding seems to be the theme of my dreams lately praise God ^_^

Don't worry about it...

When I make progress in terms of spiritual/character/personal growth I become afraid that I will "relapse" and go back to my old, unhealthy ways of thinking and being. But I have to remember that I can't change my heart. The most I can do is be willing and open to the Lord doing that for me. Even if I do "relapse", it just means he's still working in me. My desire is for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in fullness and completeness. But, I can only be where I am. I have to be patient with myself and wait on the Lord.

I'm surrendering my desire to God

First of all I wanna say that I don't feel very well :-(( I think I'm coming down with something. But! I just graduated from MBI so I feel great!!!


Now back to the point. Remember my very first blog post titled Stop? It was about me needing to stop looking for men and relationships to heal the wounds in my soul. Here's an excerpt:


Stopping is exactly what I'll be doing. My life has been filled with either unhealthy relationships or me liking douchebags who play with my emotions and could care less about me. And now I've come to the breaking point and I realize that I just need to stop. Ever since I hit puberty I've been searching for a man who would treat me better than my father.
And my quest consumed me. I realized that it was all too much when I got hurt just one last time. It was the last straw. Finding love became an idol for me so it had to be destroyed.

I've come to terms with the fact that my last name might just stay the same forever. I may never get a chance to marry a man who affirms me, loves me, treats me better than my dad did. And that's okay.

Ok so obviously I didn't get the point the first time because every single potential "boo" as I like to say hasn't worked out. And what I'm realizing is that I figured out what I was doing: my search for a man became an idol. But I didn't know just to what extent this idolizing went.


I thought that if I de-prioritized men and just lived my life then that's all I needed to do. It wouldn't be an idol anymore. But after experiencing disappointment after disappointment I realized I needed to some more self-examination because God keeps closing these doors and I need to figure out why.


I learned in one of my classes that people have deep longings that only God can fulfill. Even in the best marriages people will still have longings that only God can fulfill. That was a eureka moment for me. Now I realize that marriage was still an idol for me. I thought that a life partner would fulfill the longings I have. And they may be able to fulfill them to some extent, but not as full and as complete as God can. Now I really have to do some more soul searching. I have much better and healthier expectations now than I did before. But I definitely need to stay single for a while so that I really know in my heart (not just my head) that only God can fulfill my deepest longings; not a man, not a marriage.


This learning process has been very difficult because I still desire to be married (and that's okay), but I need to put that desire into perspective. So I am surrendering this desire to God. I'm giving it to Him because I obviously don't know what to do with it. I'm trusting that I will learn what he has to teach me and learn to fully rely on Him to fulfill my deepest longings that no one else can fulfill.