First of all. Happy Christmas Everyone!!! Praise God for sending his Son to earth to suffer the penalty of sin that we should suffer so that we would have a chance at eternal life with Him!
I often dream of staircases and being afraid to go up them. Last night the staircase was wobbly and would change position every so often. It was kind of like Inception actually lol (remember when he changed the staircase?). So I was deathly afraid of going up this staircase, but it was necessary to get where I wanted to go. I asked a friend (someone I trusted and knew would help me and protect me) to go with me up the stairs and of course it kept changing position. I was afraid of falling to my death, but I got up there where I needed to be.
I looked up what staircases meant:
"Seeing a staircase in your dream, symbolizes change and transformation."
And stairs:
"Dreaming that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface."
Higher understanding seems to be the theme of my dreams lately praise God ^_^
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Don't worry about it...
When I make progress in terms of spiritual/character/personal growth I become afraid that I will "relapse" and go back to my old, unhealthy ways of thinking and being. But I have to remember that I can't change my heart. The most I can do is be willing and open to the Lord doing that for me. Even if I do "relapse", it just means he's still working in me. My desire is for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in fullness and completeness. But, I can only be where I am. I have to be patient with myself and wait on the Lord.
Friday, December 10, 2010
I'm surrendering my desire to God
First of all I wanna say that I don't feel very well :-(( I think I'm coming down with something. But! I just graduated from MBI so I feel great!!!
Now back to the point. Remember my very first blog post titled Stop? It was about me needing to stop looking for men and relationships to heal the wounds in my soul. Here's an excerpt:
Stopping is exactly what I'll be doing. My life has been filled with either unhealthy relationships or me liking douchebags who play with my emotions and could care less about me. And now I've come to the breaking point and I realize that I just need to stop. Ever since I hit puberty I've been searching for a man who would treat me better than my father.
And my quest consumed me. I realized that it was all too much when I got hurt just one last time. It was the last straw. Finding love became an idol for me so it had to be destroyed.
I've come to terms with the fact that my last name might just stay the same forever. I may never get a chance to marry a man who affirms me, loves me, treats me better than my dad did. And that's okay.
Ok so obviously I didn't get the point the first time because every single potential "boo" as I like to say hasn't worked out. And what I'm realizing is that I figured out what I was doing: my search for a man became an idol. But I didn't know just to what extent this idolizing went.
I thought that if I de-prioritized men and just lived my life then that's all I needed to do. It wouldn't be an idol anymore. But after experiencing disappointment after disappointment I realized I needed to some more self-examination because God keeps closing these doors and I need to figure out why.
I learned in one of my classes that people have deep longings that only God can fulfill. Even in the best marriages people will still have longings that only God can fulfill. That was a eureka moment for me. Now I realize that marriage was still an idol for me. I thought that a life partner would fulfill the longings I have. And they may be able to fulfill them to some extent, but not as full and as complete as God can. Now I really have to do some more soul searching. I have much better and healthier expectations now than I did before. But I definitely need to stay single for a while so that I really know in my heart (not just my head) that only God can fulfill my deepest longings; not a man, not a marriage.
This learning process has been very difficult because I still desire to be married (and that's okay), but I need to put that desire into perspective. So I am surrendering this desire to God. I'm giving it to Him because I obviously don't know what to do with it. I'm trusting that I will learn what he has to teach me and learn to fully rely on Him to fulfill my deepest longings that no one else can fulfill.
Now back to the point. Remember my very first blog post titled Stop? It was about me needing to stop looking for men and relationships to heal the wounds in my soul. Here's an excerpt:
Stopping is exactly what I'll be doing. My life has been filled with either unhealthy relationships or me liking douchebags who play with my emotions and could care less about me. And now I've come to the breaking point and I realize that I just need to stop. Ever since I hit puberty I've been searching for a man who would treat me better than my father.
And my quest consumed me. I realized that it was all too much when I got hurt just one last time. It was the last straw. Finding love became an idol for me so it had to be destroyed.
I've come to terms with the fact that my last name might just stay the same forever. I may never get a chance to marry a man who affirms me, loves me, treats me better than my dad did. And that's okay.
Ok so obviously I didn't get the point the first time because every single potential "boo" as I like to say hasn't worked out. And what I'm realizing is that I figured out what I was doing: my search for a man became an idol. But I didn't know just to what extent this idolizing went.
I thought that if I de-prioritized men and just lived my life then that's all I needed to do. It wouldn't be an idol anymore. But after experiencing disappointment after disappointment I realized I needed to some more self-examination because God keeps closing these doors and I need to figure out why.
I learned in one of my classes that people have deep longings that only God can fulfill. Even in the best marriages people will still have longings that only God can fulfill. That was a eureka moment for me. Now I realize that marriage was still an idol for me. I thought that a life partner would fulfill the longings I have. And they may be able to fulfill them to some extent, but not as full and as complete as God can. Now I really have to do some more soul searching. I have much better and healthier expectations now than I did before. But I definitely need to stay single for a while so that I really know in my heart (not just my head) that only God can fulfill my deepest longings; not a man, not a marriage.
This learning process has been very difficult because I still desire to be married (and that's okay), but I need to put that desire into perspective. So I am surrendering this desire to God. I'm giving it to Him because I obviously don't know what to do with it. I'm trusting that I will learn what he has to teach me and learn to fully rely on Him to fulfill my deepest longings that no one else can fulfill.
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