What are you???

People often ask me this question. It's pretty confusing to answer though. I usually say I'm African American, but few people are satisfied with that answer. The follow up question is usually "Well what else?" And of course there are other things there. I mean this is America, our country is as diverse as our bloodlines. And because of this I'm not really sure what to call myself anymore. I read an article on the Black Girl with Long Hair blog titled "Black, brown or yellow?" (http://bglhonline.com/2010/09/black-brown-or-yellow/). The article is about how the writer is unsatisfied with the term "black" because Americans of African descent aren't black, they range from dark brown to very light or yellow as we say. She says that "perhaps the whole “naming system” when it comes to black people needs to be overhauled." Well my opinion of the matter is that people of African descent in this country are the bastard children of the Americas and we can't be named. We lost so much of our African culture. Africa is a continent, we can't even name a country that our ancestors came from. Also some of us are so mixed in our ancestry that we don't know if we are even "black" anymore. And because of racism and hypodescence (one drop rule) it becomes hard to become apart of or seen as apart of different cultures. We really don't belong any where.

Dreams

I am a dreamer. I love to dream. I often wake up disappointed that I'm back in my real life. I've always dreamed. I still remember dreams that I had when I was a little kid. Sometimes I dream lucidly, which means I can control the dream. I just decide in my head that I'm gonna do whatever I want in this dream and then I do it. It's so weird and fun. Sometimes my dreams are just dreams and they don't mean that much, but sometimes they are symbolic and I know that I'm getting a message.

The other day I dreamed that I was in a cave (kind of like Lord of the Rings). My brother was there and someone else was there. There were two of me. One was a fake me. It was a holographic, perfect looking me standing next to my brother. The other me, which was the real me, were just broken bones in the bottom of a pond. My brother knew that the holograph was not the real me so he scooped up my bones out the bottom of the pond and the real me was there and in tact.

I got this from hyperdictionary.com:

Dreaming of bones, suggests the discovery of your personal, family, or cultural secrets. It is also symbolic of your underlying strengths that you have not yet recognized. Dreaming of broken bones means that you have discovered or realized that there is a weakness in your plans or in your thinking. Your dream may call for you immediate attention to a particular situation or relationship.

This is interesting because before I had the dream I was discovering more of the painful sides of my family life. I also noticed that I don't easily open up about painful memories. I'm prone to keep them inside, bottle them up and not face the pain. This is a weakness because eventually I explode. It was so cool when I read what that symbolized b/c it was true.

Seeing a pond in your dream, represents tranquility and desire for more quiet time to yourself. It is a time to reflect on your situation and what is going on in your life.

Again, also true.

Dreaming that you are walking in a dark cave means refuge or the unconscious mind.

Seeing a hologram in your dream, suggests that you need to look at the whole picture instead of just pieces of it in order to get the whole story. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes your ideal self and your notions of perfection.

There was also a part in the dream after the cave (u know how in dreams they just change so quickly and u realize ur somewhere else and don't even know how u got there). In this part of the dream I had on a queen's crown. So I looked up queen.

Seeing a queen in your dream, symbolizes intuition and personal growth.

I definitely believe that this was a message from God. Some Christian psychologists believe that dreams are the language of the soul. What do you think? Do you think God can speak to us through dreams?

Not Ready

I realize that I've been distracting myself. During the week I'm in class and it's easy not to think about things because I'm doing. But I'm a counseling major so it's kind of my homework to think about my experiences and how they've affected me. I've been having such a hard time with that. I just can't bring myself to do it. It's like I'm apathetic, but I care about doing it cuz it's my homework and I want to graduate. When I sit down to do it I can't. And on weekends I find friends to hang out with. I go dancing, I watch a plethora of House episodes lol. And when I do all that I don't have to think about painful experiences or situations. Sometimes when I'm in class or watching tv I have flashbacks and I have to fight back tears. I'm not ready to face it though. I just hope I don't have an explosion. That wouldn't be good at all because then people would know that something is wrong with me.

Flapjack-Skymaid

Ode to FlapJack

Since I'm not whining anymore I decided to post something positive and happy. You guys have seen that show on cartoon network called the Misadventures of FlapJack right? I LOVE that show.
I like it because it's really bizarre. I'm a fan of dark comedy and creepy weird things (i.e. Tim Burton, Neil Gaiman). So this show, although it's for children, is right up my alley. I also love it because FlapJack is constantly looking for an adventure. And so am I! I'm so itching to do something. I can't wait to graduate and go on my next adventure. Also everyone on the show eats candy (Peppermint Larry and his Candy Wife are hilarious). Cap'n Knuckles and FlapJack's main goal in life is to find Candied Island. I can respect that. I've been eating candy since I got out the womb. Seriously I had all my teeth filled by the age of 10. And my first fill-in I didn't even need anasthetic. I couldn't feel a thing, all the candy must have numbed my gums for me. All this to say- FlapJack I love you and I wish you were real.

Snap out of it

I've been sick the past couple days and I haven't felt like going to class. Thankfully someone took my shift at work so I didn't have to worry about that either. That's the good thing about not living on campus. When I get sick I'm already at home. Anyway, I've found that I've been awfully whiny lately. Sometimes we need to be when we're going through things. It helps us work through our emotions so that we can better cope. But don't be whiny forever lol it can be annoying. So I'm going to stop whining for now (until my next life crisis lol). All these things I've been talking about on my blog lately are things that are actually helping me. I'm still ok with being single the rest of my life if that's what God wants (although sometimes that realization can be painful) and me and my dad aren't the best of friends by no means, but I guess I'm starting to understand that he might just be mentally ill. Right now I'm trying to find a balance- when to stay away from him and when to try and be nice to him. It's been really hard trying to be nice to him though because I kind of don't care about his feelings which sounds horrible, but it's the truth.