Stop

Stopping is exactly what I'll be doing. My life has been filled with either unhealthy relationships or me liking douchebags who play with my emotions and could care less about me. And now I've come to the breaking point and I realize that I just need to stop. Ever since I hit puberty I've been searching for a man who would treat me better than my father.

Growing up (and still) my father was emotionally and verbally abusive. So what I've been is the more innocent version of "looking for love in all the wrong places." I just had to find a way to redeem what I've been through with my father. I thought, "Well the one man who was supposed to love me and encourage me and affirm me didn't do his job so what better way to redeem the situation than to find a man who will." All this time this is what it's been about. And I've been bitter with my dad blaming him for all my failed attempts at love. Blaming him for the unhealthy relationships, blaming him for liking men who are unavailable or who don't care about me. I resented him. So I searched and hoped for my loving hero who would heal me from my messed up past.


And my quest consumed me. I realized that it was all too much when I got hurt just one last time. It was the last straw. Finding love became an idol for me so it had to be destroyed.

I've come to terms with the fact that my last name might just stay the same forever. I may never get a chance to marry a man who affirms me, loves me, treats me better than my dad did. And that's okay.