Me and my father

Hm...where do I begin? Childhood? Well when I was a toddler my dad was nice. He'd feed me sherbet and play with me. I wasn't old enough to disappoint him yet. I think maybe around the time I started talking or started going to school (or maybe it was around puberty? idk when) that he was mean. I know for sure I was in grammar school. I heard a lot of "What's wrong with you?" "You're not a Christian." If ever he had something to say to me it was mostly to point out things I'd done wrong or things he didn't like. And he always blamed me for everything. I was like a scapegoat. I remember one time when I was about 9 years old it was storming outside and our basement flooded. My dad grabbed me out of my bed in the middle of the night, took me to the basement and said "Look what you did!" I didn't know I had power over mother nature. I don't remember him ever saying anything nice about the kind of person I was or am. He'd tell me from time to time that I do good in school. But that's just a performance and really doesn't reflect who I am as a person. He's never told me that I'm a good person. I don't remember him even telling me  "I love you."

Our relationship is pretty non-existent. I lived at school for a few years and during that time our relationship got better. He was trying to be nicer which was awkward, but ok. And I wasn't living with him anymore so I kind of forgot how he is. I moved back home this summer and I wanted to give him another chance. I tried talking to him more and wanting to have a better relationship. That was until he had another episode/outburst of name calling/verbal abusing. He told me that I don't meet his expectations, I'm irresponsible, lazy and he took some scripture out of context just to let me know how bad a Christian I am. So I haven't talked to him since. I try to stay away from him. I don't trust him. He could have another outburst at any time and I don't want to be there when he does. So it's safer just to avoid him.

He asked my mom the other day why I won't talk to him and she told him it's because of all the things he told me that day. He said, "I didn't say that. I would never say anything like that." He said that he's so successful in life that people just feel inferior around him. Wow. It's not that he makes you feel inferior by the way he tears you down, but it's your own fault that you feel inferior because he's so great.

I was so hurt (sad and angry) when my mom told me he said that. Because it's so convenient. You never have to own up or apologize for hurting people if you deny ever doing it or conveniently "forget." So now I'm wondering if maybe my dad is mentally ill. I know he's narcissistic, but now it seems like he's delusional too. Sad.

Stop

Stopping is exactly what I'll be doing. My life has been filled with either unhealthy relationships or me liking douchebags who play with my emotions and could care less about me. And now I've come to the breaking point and I realize that I just need to stop. Ever since I hit puberty I've been searching for a man who would treat me better than my father.

Growing up (and still) my father was emotionally and verbally abusive. So what I've been is the more innocent version of "looking for love in all the wrong places." I just had to find a way to redeem what I've been through with my father. I thought, "Well the one man who was supposed to love me and encourage me and affirm me didn't do his job so what better way to redeem the situation than to find a man who will." All this time this is what it's been about. And I've been bitter with my dad blaming him for all my failed attempts at love. Blaming him for the unhealthy relationships, blaming him for liking men who are unavailable or who don't care about me. I resented him. So I searched and hoped for my loving hero who would heal me from my messed up past.


And my quest consumed me. I realized that it was all too much when I got hurt just one last time. It was the last straw. Finding love became an idol for me so it had to be destroyed.

I've come to terms with the fact that my last name might just stay the same forever. I may never get a chance to marry a man who affirms me, loves me, treats me better than my dad did. And that's okay.